Miracle Cure Frenzy: Smasher Buster Rx
by VGS2 the sexy sausage
Summary: One by one, the Smash Brothers are hounded by a powerful foe who shows no mercy, nor signs of tiring. Fighting him is hopeless, and running away is only temporary. Just what can the smashers do to defeat this almighty menace? (Rated M for disturbing scenes and mild drug usage)
1. Chill

Mushroom City

Blue Toad shuddered, almost dropping some of the produce he had bought to bring back to the castle. Not that it would have mattered if they dropped, really. Everyone in this kingdom always ate things that had been on the ground for disturbing amounts of time.

Either way, he continued to shudder. He was in no way a fan of walking through deserted alleyways, especially at night time in foggy weather. What if a bandit suddenly appeared and stole all of the power-ups he was carrying? He wouldn't have anything to give to the Mario Brothers to help them save Princess Peach after her next kidnapping, and that would make him feel guilty! The mushroom retainer quickened his pace. He knew this shortcut was a bad idea...

Every step he took gave his heart another ten thumps per second, and his breathing could probably be heard from over three worlds away... He really needed to steady his nerves before he had a panic attack and passed out.

The nervous mushroom began to hum a song that he had heard many years ago during a very surreal dream of his. It was a fun, bouncy little tune that made him feel as if he was inside a character select screen, or a room with a giant slot machine, or something.

Regardless of what it reminded him of, it helped him calm down. Now he would hopefully stop dropping all of his stuff, and- ...Oh? As soon as the thought crossed his mind, his feet lightly kicked something. Reaching down, he saw that it was... a bottle of pills?

"Huh, now who dropped pills here?" Blue Toad quietly muttered to himself as if it would help him find the answer.

The toadstool thought about it for a minute. After some consideration, he decided that it was probably his bottle of pills. Oh, how silly of him. They must have fallen out while he was shuddering. He was glad nobody saw that!

...But wait, he never bought any pills. How strange... After pondering about this for a few seconds, Blue Toad shrugged. He must've just forgotten he'd bought them. It wouldn't be the first time! He remembered the day that he had visited the Desert World and had found twenty frog suits left piled up inside his bag, completely forgotten. It made sense, though. Nobody, himself included, ever used them because of how precious they were. Or was that useless? The toad could never remember...

Putting the colorful bottle back into his bag, Blue Toad continued on his merry way. It wouldn't be long now until he was out of the back areas of Mushroom City, and he really couldn't wait to-

"_Wahooo...!_"

...What was that? Blue Toad looked around, but saw nothing in the misty darkness. After a few seconds of continued searching, he shrugged and kept walking. It was probably just his imagination.

"_Yippie...!_"

Okay, he certainly heard that. Blue Toad was close to dropping the shopping again, as well as anything that may have been in his lunch earlier. "H-h-hello?"

"_Ohhh, niiice...!_"

...He had to get out of here! Using his quick feet, he shot forwards with a burst of speed, not caring about any goods he lost along the way. He could buy some more groceries later, but he couldn't buy back his own life!

He ran as fast as his little feet could carry him. No matter how quickly he tried to run, though, it never stopped feeling like his feet were slowly wading through cement. Oh, if only the princess had sent Yellow Toad to do the shopping instead of him!

He continued to run until he realised that the area seemed to be getting darker. At first, the darkness confused him, though it didn't take long for him to realise why the shadows were growing around him.

"O-oh no..." he muttered. "End of the road!"

In front of him was an insurmountable dead end. Blue Toad's blood ran cold. This wasn't good for business!

He turned around to try and find another escape route. However, doing so proved to be pointless. The thing he had heard from before...

...it was here.

In absolute terror, Blue Toad dropped to his knees and cowered. "P-please, h-have mercy!" Doing this felt snively, sure, but he didn't want to game over! He was too young to use a continue!

Before he could wet himself any further, a gloved hand reached from the darkness, and... handed him his bottle of pills? Looking up, he realised that the shadowy figure looked like someone he knew! Heck, it almost looked like... "Oh, it's- it's you! Boy, am I glad to see ya! I thought I was toast! Haha! ...Er, say, what're you doing with those pi- _gmphhh_!?"

* * *

><p><span><strong>Capsule 1<strong>: _Chill_

* * *

><p><span>Donkey Kong Island<span>

"[Are you sure you'll be alright with this, little buddy?]" Donkey Kong asked, being the worrier that he was.

Diddy sighed. "[Relax, DK! It's been years since the kremlings stuffed me into that barrel. I've gotten waaay way stronger since then!]" He flexed his big, strong muscles for emphasis.

"[Well, okay! See ya later then, Diddy!]" And with that, Donkey Kong grabbed a vine and climbed up into the trees, ready to go and meet his fiancée, Candy Kong.

Diddy got into position at the entrance of the Banana Hoard and sat down. Finally, he was the thing's guard for today! He was starting to believe that DK would never let him live down that one incident from all those years ago. Stupid krusha...

Oh well, this was his first ever shift since that day, so he was sure as heck not gonna mess it up this time!

Suddenly, he heard a noise in the bushes. At first, Diddy ignored it, thinking it was probably some animal from the jungle, but the shaking didn't stop. In fact, it was getting louder!

Diddy took out his peanut popguns and aimed them at the bush. He put on his bravest face and performed some strategic shivering to intimidate the enemy. "[Wh-who's there? That better not be a k-k-krusha!]"

He took a step forwards, shaking even more to... apply pressure to the kremling spy. "[I-I'm warning you! I'm armed! I'M ARMED WITH PEANUTS!]"

Before he could step forwards again, the figure burst out of the shrubs and tackled him! Diddy initiated his war cry, which to some people might have sounded like girly screaming, but Diddy knew better.

Eventually, his assailant managed to pin him down though an extremely lucky coincidence. Diddy felt more terrified than he had ever been in his entire life! This was the end for him! He had used his last balloon! He- ...could smell a familiar banana-scented perfume.

"[...Hey, Dixie,]" Diddy grumbled.

The blond-ponytailed girl rolled on the floor laughing. "[Ahahaha! You shoulda seen the look on your face! Teeheehee!]"

"[Hmph, c'mon, Dix! That wasn't funny, it was mean...]"

Dixie wiped the tears from her eyes. "[Oh, don't be like that, Dids! You have to admit, it was pretty good.]"

"[Yeah, hilarious. You're such a goof, Dix!]"

Dixie giggled. "[Sooo, what'cha doin', anyway?]"

"[DK let me guard his banana hoard for the entire day. I think I'm doing pretty well!]" Diddy said, his voice filled with pride.

"[Hm, okay! Yeah, as long as no big, bad monkey girls show up to intimidate you, I'm sure you're perfect for the job!]" Dixie said, giggling to herself again.

"[Hmph! I thought you were a... a kruncha, or something. You know how bad those guys can be!]"

"[True enough... having to deal with them made fighting the krumples feel really easy, honestly.]"

"[...The heck's a krumple?]"

Dixie took out a smoothie cup from... somewhere and sipped on it. "[Ehh, nothing to worry about. So, why is DK making you guard his hoard?]"

"[So he could spend some time with Candy, I guess.]"

"[Huh... so Donkey has a sweet tooth, does he? We should swap gumballs sometime!]" She pulled a bag of gumballs out from, again, somewhere for emphasis.

"[What? No Dix, I mean Candy Kong. His girlfriend!]"

"[Ohh, ok then. Makes sense.]" Dixie suddenly got grumpy. "[Hey, how come you never take me on dates? Some gentleman you are!]" She crossed her arms.

"[Aww, c'mon, Dix, it ain't like that!]" Diddy said, flustered. "[Hmm... hey, how about we go to the beach tomorrow? I hear it'll be real sunny!]"

"[Hmm... okay!]" Dixie said, her mood perky once again. That was easy! "[I guess I'll just hang with you for a while, then.]"

"[Yeah, fine by me!]" Hearing that, Dixie smiled and sat down next to Diddy, wrapping an arm around him.

They sat like this for a long while, happy in each other's embrace. After a while, Dixie decided to strike up some conversation. "[So, why are you guarding the Banana Hoard, anyway? It's not often you or Donkey do anything like that unless you know the kremlings are coming.]"

"[This morning, DK found some suspicious pills here somewhere, apparently. He didn't wanna let Candy down, so he asked me to guard the hoard.]"

"[Huh, odd... Are you sure they weren't Cranky's?]"

Diddy shook his head. "[Nah. He won't take his pills anymore, since they stopped making them in 8-bits, so probably not.]"

"[Huh... that explains all that weird 'gaming' stuff he talks about, then.]"

Diddy was about to reply, but then he heard something. Listening carefully, it sounded like... the bushes again? Well, it certainly wasn't Dixie this time, so what could it be? Uh oh, what if it's...?

"[...Huh? What's wrong, Diddy?]" Dixie asked, giving him a worried look.

"[The bushes... they're rustling again!]" Diddy bravely sprang to his feet and brandished his peanut popguns again. "[Don't worry, Dix! I'll keep ya safe!]"

Dixie rolled her eyes. "[Pthh, puh-leese! First of all, it's probably just an animal, and second of all, you think you can protect me when you're shaking like some jelly?]"

Looking down at his guns, he realised that Dixie was right. He couldn't aim at the ground consistently, let alone forwards. "[...I'm in anticipation, t-that's all.]"

Sighing, Dixie stood up and walked towards Diddy. "[C'mon, Dids. There's nothing to fe-]"

Without warning, something white leapt out of the shrubbery! "WAHAAAA!"

Startled, both the Kongs clung to each other for dear life and yelled loudly. After a few seconds of not being assaulted, Diddy cautiously opened an eye to see that their attacker was none other than...

"[Oh hey, it's you! Phew, you had us going there.]" Diddy let go of Dixie and faced the person in front of him, though Dixie still kept her arms around him. "[Relax, Dix. Look who it is!]"

Dixie peeked around Diddy's shoulder and, realising who it was, let go of Diddy, blushing. "[Oh, hey there. Eheh...]"

"IT'S-A ME! YAHOO!"

Diddy scratched his head. "[Yeah, it's you alright.]" After that, everyone just awkwardly stood there in silence, save for the short dude in front of them.

After several seconds, their guest reached into his pocket and brought out two yellow things. In fact, they kind of looked like...

"[Oh, banana candy! That stuff's the best~! Got any to spare?]" Dixie asked, looking pretty excited. Diddy rolled his eyes in amusement. She always had a real big sweet tooth...

"BELLISSIMO!" their friend yelled, handing both of them to the attractive monkey couple.

Dixie squeed and popped her treat into her mouth almost immediately. "[Thanks, bro!]"

Diddy chuckled and joined in, eating his. "[Yeah, thanks man!]"

The couple chewed down happily. After a few bites, however, Diddy realised that his treat didn't exactly taste like bananas. It tasted icky and bitter! Looking to his side, he saw that Dixie wasn't enjoying her sweet either. She even spat hers out!

"[Ptooey! Hey, what gives!? That wasn't banana flavoured at all!]" Dixie yelled angrily. She did not like it when people messed with her treats.

"[Yeah, man! Giving people rotten candy isn't a cool prank- ...Oh my gosh, Dixie, what's wrong with your fur!?]" She was turning... yellow!? There was no denying it, she was looking less brown and more yellow by the second.

She hurriedly examined her arms. "[...Ack, you're right! Oh no, and you're turning yellow too!]" Diddy looked at his arms and realised in horror that she was right! And all of his fur was starting to fall off too, making him feel very smooth. Smooth like the skin of a...

...Like the skin of a banana.

Their out of control prankster punched the air triumphantly. "YAHOO!"

Diddy licked his fingers and was horrified to clarify that, yes, he tasted exactly like the fruit he was trying to protect! And that wasn't all either; he was shrinking and splitting into bunches! "[Dixie! It's happened! WE ARE THE BANANAS! I TOLD EVERYONE THIS WOULD HAPPEN!]"

Dixie screamed. The same thing was happening to her too, and it didn't look pretty... Unable to stay standing any longer, she rolled over on her bent backside to look at the mad doctor they once knew as a friend. "[What have you dooone!? That was the second worst candy of my life! Do something, man!]"

"FANTASTICO! WAHOO!"

It was hopeless. Both he and his girl were destined to be packed full of protein. Heck, they could even be held and stared at by Iwata.

Diddy sighed shakily. "[Dix...]" She rolled over to face him, "[I think... we're done for. So before we go, there's something I want to say. Something I've wanted to say for a long time...]"

"[Y-yes, Dids?]" Dixie said, with tears in her eyes as the clothes on her back turned into a banana skin. She was ready to hear it...

"...I'M DIDDY! HoOHa!"

"[...What the actual fuck, Diddy!? Our last moment together as a living couple and you decide to quote a racing game I wasn't even in for ten years! You could've said 'I love you' or something!]"

"[Well... I wanted a taste of Rareware one last time...]"

"[Well you won't get a taste of_ me _one last time once we're in Monkey Heaven, that's for sure!]"

"[...Aw peanuts.]"

And with that, the transformation was complete. Diddy could feel his mind, body and soul becoming one with the bananas. It was over...

* * *

><p>"DAWNKEY KAWNG!" yelled Dunkey Kongo as he jumped down from particularly high tree and slammed his hands fists into the ground. He wasn't sure why he started doing this ever since the Tiki Tribe invaded, but man, was it cool!<p>

However, while his cry was spot on, his slam was a bit weak today, and for good reason. "[Aww man, I can't believe it!]" DK Kong said out loud to no one in particular, as he looked up at the orange, sunset-filled sky. "[I was _this_ close to getting my Funky Kong on!]"

How was he to know that she wouldn't be turned on by him yelling 'EXPAND DONG'? Other ladies find that sexy as shit! Probably.

Oh well, there was always next time. It was getting late, so he had to let off his buddy before the chimp's little nuts froze and jammed his gun, or something. Nobody in the Kong family liked it when things freeze...

As he looked both inside and outside the cave, though, he couldn't help but notice that the little chimp was nowhere to be found. "[Diddyyy! Where are you!?]"

Dankey Kang couldn't believe it. His little buddy ditched his duties! What a twerp!

The only thing that stopped DeeKay from going ape was that his bananas were safe, at least. If they went missing, Donk Kong would totally shove Diddy's hat up his banana deposit.

Konkey Dong was about to go off in search of the little banana buggerer until he caught something on his foot.

It was... clothes?

Not whole clothes, though. It was just shredded bits of red and pink clothing, much like the kind Diddy and his girl, Dixie, would wear.

...Donkey Konk groaned and shake his head. Of course! Diddy deserted his post to... get it on like Donkey Kong, so to speak.

"[Darn it, Diddy! You could've waited until later! Jeez...]" That crazy kid. And when he couldn't get any himself, either!

Well, at least he left two exotic pink and red banana bunches behind, both hidden inside their torn clothes.

Monkey Kong licked his mouth lips. He knew exactly how to get back at those two for leaving his precious bananas in peril...

* * *

><p><span>New York<span>

Doc Louis wiped some sweat off of his brow as he took another bite of his beloved chocolate. "Man, this is some workout, eh, Mac Baby?"

Doc turned around to see his boy, Little Mac, running after him in the signature pink jumpsuit that Doc made him wear. Mac looked up and gave Doc a mean ol' look.

"...What? Mashing these bike pedals ain't no joke, son. If I keep exercisin' like this, they might start callin' _me _the little one! Ahahaha!"

Little Mac continued to look annoyed.

"Aw, c'mon, son. Maybe after the training, I'll let you have you bike back! Maybe."

The boy said nothing, but he eye-rolled harder than Doc could ever hope to roll his own eyes. Some folks were just never happy!

Sighing, Doc Louis finished the last bite of his chocolate bar and then reached into his pockets for more. After a bit of rummaging, he suddenly realised that there was no more chocolate on him! Aw shucks!

Worried that the training would have to come to an emergency stop for the day, Doc decided that, for Mac's benefit, he would have to raid the boy's bike bag for some sweet, sweet chocolate.

Ignoring the protests of the boxer behind him, Doc dug deep into Mac's bag. He didn't find any chocolate bars or slices of chocolate cake or flasks of hot chocolate or anything else chocolate related, much to his dismay, but he did find a weird ol' bottle of... pills?

"What're these pills here for, son? I hope you're not gonna start popping drugs before matches now! You saw what they did to King Hippo!"

"...Huh?" Little Mac looked befuddled, like he'd never even seen them before.

A likely story! "Now look here, son! Playing dumb about drugs won't help you win matches! Only hardcore trainin' and staying clean will get you to the top! That and lots of chocolate, of course. Ahahaha!"

Mac raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. Doc simply shook his head and went back to rummaging through the kid's bike bag. Thankfully, this straight road never had any people on it, or he'd have gotten more hit and run charges than a Mario Kart character! Ahahaha!

After many seconds of rummaging, Doc found nothing chocolate related. It was hopeless, they were gonna have to end the training session.

"Mac, why do you never pack any spare chocolates? I hate to say it, but our 50 mile run's gonna have to end early today." Doc chose to ignore the happy look on Mac's face. "It's alright though, son. We'll do double the amount tomorrow to make up for it! Ahaha- woah!"

Suddenly, Doc crashed into something! Luckily for him, he was going slowly before crashing, or else he'd have probably spilt a different kind of chocolate in his pants. Ahahaha!

Little Mac ran over and helped poor the trainer up onto his feet. Thankfully, Doc wasn't too banged up from his crash. It was nothing a good chocolate bar couldn't fix, anyway.

Looking over, Doc saw that the thing he'd crashed into... wasn't a thing at all. It was a person! In fact, it looked like... "Hey, I know you! Mac, you call a plumber, lately? Ahahaha!"

The plumber in question excitedly jumped high into the air. "WAHOO!"

Little Mac took a look at the bystander and made an "Ah!" sound in recognition. Doc was glad that even after all these years, the boy could recognise his old referee! Then again, that man was more popular than Mickey the Wombat, or whatever that thing was, so Doc wasn't way too surprised.

"Say, son, why're you all dressed up like a pharmacist? You swapping jobs again, or somethin'?" Doc asked, noticing that he lost the hat, got a coat, a doctor's light and a stethoscope.

"YIPPIE! AH HAHA!"

Not expecting that response, Doc scratched his head. "...Er, okay."

After that weird outburst, the doctor reached into Mac's bike bag and pulled out the pills from earlier. Ahh, Doc got it, now! Those weren't Mac's at all; the pills belonged to this man.

Doc shook his head. "Mac baby, I can't believe you'd steal pills from this guy! And here I thought you were a good kid!"

Little Mac groaned loudly. Probably because the kid knew he'd been caught red handed!

"LET'S-A GO!" the pharmacist plumber yelled, reaching into the bottle and pulling out a colorful pill. He then offered it to Doc.

"Oh, are these vitamin pills, son?"

The doctor nodded. "OKIE DOKIE!"

"Oh, of course! No wonder you were so intent on nabbing 'em, Mac! If this guy says they're good for ya, then they must be! Ahahaha!" Ignoring Mac's flustered shrug, Doc popped the health pill.

Afterwards, he felt... different. Those pills must have been some real fast-working ones! A few more of these and he'd probably be the one fighting Mac in the ring next! Laugh out loud.

Before he could picture the scenario, though, Doc could smell the familiar scent of... chocolate!

Following the smell with his nose, he soon realised that his arm was very sweet smelling. He gave it a lick to investigate.

...He was choctastic! "Ohhh, sweet Jesus, Mac! I'm the chocolate! Stop me, son!"

The boy was confused until Doc tore his whole own arm off and started eating it. Scared to sin, the little boxer grabbed Doc's other arm to stop his chocolate feeding frenzy.

Seconds later, powered by his mad lust for chocolate, Doc punched the boy several feet away and then began eating his own leg off! And then his other arm!

By the time Little Mac came to, it was too late; Doc was just a simple, talkin' head. "Oh dear, son. I think I got a bit carried away. Ahahaha!"

With tears in his eyes, the boy fell to one knee and, in his despair, spoke his very first words. "AWW, BOB SAGET!"

Doc Louis tried to shake his head sympathetically, which only ended with his head flopping over. "Don't cry, Mac! I lost!"

"It's over, son," Doc continued. "My appetite for chocolate is just too much. But before I go, I only have one more thing to say. Just for old times' sake." Doc Louis cleared his throat, or what was left of it, anyhow. "...JOIN THE NINTENDO FUN CLUB TODAY! MAC."

Tearfully, the boy nodded, and quickly signed his details into an old Nintendo Fun Club signup sheet, officially granting the dying trainer his last ever wish.

A chocolaty tear fell down Doc's cheek. "Good job, son. Good job."

Then, with one last "Ahahaha!" ol' Doc ate himself to death.

Little Mac wanted to mourn his former mentor, but the mad doctor was moving closer and Mac wanted none of that. Holding back his tears, Little Mac got onto the bike he hadn't ridden for over twenty years and pedalled for his dear life.

The boy managed to cycle at least half a mile before he heard a low rumble behind him. With a whole bunch of dread building up inside him, Little Mac turned his head around to see the scariest sight any man could ever see.

There was the evil doctor chasing after him in a go-kart at 150 miles per hour. "HEEHEE! I GOT EET!"

Once the doctor got close enough, he brought out a spiky, blue pill with wings and then threw it with all his might. Mac only had seconds to scream before he was run down mercilessly with a nasty, medical explosion.

When the kid woke up from the floor, he realised that he wasn't little no more. His muscles were at least ten times bigger, making him look more like a truck than a boxer!

Ol' Doc was right, folks. You should never pop pills, or else you'll turn into a big 'roid beast like Mac Baby, here. Realising this, Little Mac -or should that be... Big Mac- roared in anger. Or sadness. Or even happiness. Nobody could be sure, son, it just sounded like roaring.

Before he could do anything else, the doctor jumped out of his kart and slammed a red cap onto Mac's head. After that, a funny looking moustache immediately grew out of the boy's face, signifying the end of his freedom...

Now I hear you all asking: "How is ol' Doc still in one of them POV things if he's dead?" Well, I'm a ghost now, folks! Ahahaha!

...I mean 'he's' a ghos- Oh, who the heck am I kidding, son? Third person ain't my style! What do you think Doc is, one of them crazy, boxing rabbit monsters? Now quit reading and gimmie a chocolate.

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER CLEAR<strong>

**TRY NEXT**

* * *

><p><strong>Speed: <strong>31/10 (October)/2014 (Happy Halloween!)

**Virus Level:** 4,182

**The general surgeon warns: **Dying is bad for your health, so don't do it.

* * *

><p><strong>Next up: <strong>Pills


	2. Dizzy

**Capsule 2**: _Dizzy_

* * *

><p><strong><span>Eterna Forest<span>**

Persian frowned as she scanned the trees for her worthless son. "Where are you, you little disgrace of a Pokémon?" she yelled. "Your meal's getting cold!"

Irritated, she dropped the bag of rotten dog food that she had found from inside a trash can. _Where is that hopeless boy? _she thought._ Don't tell me I'm going to have to claw his tail again..._ Her thoughts stopped as a familiar smell crossed her nose. The smell of **_failure_**.

"Hi, Mom!" called out the voice of the Meowth, who slid out of hiding.

Persian groaned, but otherwise ignored his greeting. "Where _were_ you?" She motioned towards the bag. "I went to great lengths to find this so that you don't starve to death, and I don't appreciate being left waiting. Not that I would _have_ to wait if you were any good at getting your own food like a real predator..."

The Meowth flinched at her words. "S-Sorry, Mom. I was trying to find that jerk, Ratattata, but I got... distracted," he admitted.

Persian snorted. _He's still obsessed with that legendsdamned Rattata... _She glared at the Meowth. "Distracted by _what_?"

"Well, I found a way to become strong and finally make you proud of me!"

Persian almost laughed. "I doubt that."

The Meowth's ears drooped in response. Despite that, he continued speaking, much to her chagrin. "Well, I found _these_!" He reached behind his back and pulled out a bottle. It was filled with colorful objects that Persian couldn't identify straight away.

She raised an eyebrow. "...Hm?"

"I was walking along, looking for... _rtattatta,_" he stopped to spit on the ground, "and then I saw a Buneary eating something from this bottle, which made her grow massive muscles! If I had muscles like that, then even you might love me again!"

"...You're going to become stronger by eating _pills!_?" Persian yelled, making the stupid boy flinch. Afterwards, she sighed heavily. "...Here I thought I couldn't be any more disappointed in you, but clearly not."

Tears appeared in the corners of the pussy's eyes. "B-But... they'll make me strong!"

Persian batted the pill bottle out of the Meowth's paws. It rolled a long distance away. "Pills are the _easy_ way out! You will _never _build real strength that way!" She snorted. "Oh, who am I kidding... Even if you trained for your entire life, you would never grow strong. Oh, how I wish they'd eaten _your_ egg, instead..." Persian said, trailing off.

The Meowth sniffled. "W-What do you mean 'my egg instead'?"

Persian sighed. "The day I laid your rotten egg was the same day I came across some humans eating a picnic. I really wish I'd swapped your egg with their scrambled eggs..."

He burst into tears. "_Wahhh!_ You're the worst, Mom!"

Persian smirked. "Heh. I do try my best..."

Suddenly, she smelt it. Someone was watching them from the bushes. Persian ushered the Meowth behind her and stared at the intruder's hiding spot. "Whoever you are, show yourself."

Without pause, an overweight human in white clothing burst out of the shrubbery. "[WAHOO! I'M DE BEST!]"

Persian huffed. Out of all the trainers she'd ever had the pleasure of chasing away, this one was certainly the ugliest. Persian took on a battle stance, ready to face whatever Pokémon he brought out.

Surprisingly, and somewhat amusingly, the human also took on a battle stance.

_Is he insane? _Persian thought, snorting. _Well, whatever. If he wants to be my next meal instead, then I won't stop him. _

Persian opened her mouth. "Water Pulse!" A ball of water formed in front of her mouth before being forcefully ejected towards the ugly man.

Without warning, the man brought out some white fabric and swung it, hitting Persian's Water Pulse and knocking it back towards her. "[LET'S-A GO]!"

Not expecting the counterattack, Persian barely managed to jump out of the way in time.

The Meowth, however, was not so lucky, as the orb of water struck him, instead. The attack knocked him far away and into a tree, which he slowly slid down. "Ohh, why does this always happen to me...?" he moaned.

_What the Ruined World!? _Persian thought to herself. _Did that human just... reflect my attack?_

The human suddenly crouched down before leaping high into the air. If he were a Pokémon, Persian would have suspected that he had used the move Bounce... but this thing wasn't a Pokémon.

He stayed suspended in midair. Soon, though, he came down directly towards Persian at a high speed.

She rolled to the side, barely missing the human's fist, which struck the ground with enough force to cause a small tremor.

Wasting no time, Persian charged a yellow ball of energy within her mouth. "Power Gem!" The yellow light shot out of her mouth and instantly struck him, launching him into the same bushes he'd come from.

Persian smirked. _Stupid human, _she thought._ It's rare that my prey survives a shot at that range, even with fancy moves like that. _She began walking towards the bush. _I simply can't wait to see the messy results..._

Suddenly, as she drew close to the bush, the human stood up and dusted himself off, looking no worse for wear. "[OH YEAH!]"

Persian took a step back as her eyes widened. _W-What!? Just what __**is**__ this thing!? _

After staring at the human- no… the _creature_- for a small while, she growled and lunged forwards. Once she got close enough, a ghostly energy enveloped her paw. "Shadow Claw!" She swiped at him, hitting only empty air as the creature jumped over her head.

"[YAHOO!]" it yelled as it stamped onto Persian's head, knocking her down into the foliage.

Persian's head was throbbing, but she quickly picked herself up from the ground. "Dig!" She started to rapidly dig below the earth with her paws, and soon found herself deep underground.

Once she was deep enough, she closed her eyes and concentrated. Soon afterwards, she could sense multiple vibrations coming from above the ground, all of them in one location. _Heh, the idiot isn't even trying to dodge. Perfect._

Persian wasted no time in digging underneath the creature. Once in position, she quickly dug straight up, hoping to burst out of the ground and tackle it.

As she broke through to the surface, Persian found herself being sucked into a tornado-like vortex, caused by the thing rapidly spinning around with its arms stretched outwards. Once inside its attack, Persian felt herself getting punched multiple times in various different areas.

Eventually, it stopped spinning and crouched down into a ball. Afterwards, it stretched its arms outwards forcefully, hitting Persian with enough force to make her shriek as she was knocked a long distance away.

Persian laid on the ground, nursing her aching ribs as best she could. After a short while, she attempted to climb back into a battle stance, wincing as a stab of pain shot up her hind leg. _Human or not, I'm not letting this legendsdamned creature beat me_…

Looking her in the eye, the ugly, fat creature tauntingly patted its shoulder with its balled up fist, infuriating Persian into running after it. Ignoring the pain in her hind leg, a ghostly energy enveloped her paw. "Shadow Claw!" She swiped at it, aiming for its throat.

The thing sidestepped under her claws before jumping high into the air, connecting its fist with her chin as it did so, launching her skywards and causing her to scream. Afterwards, she crashed painfully into the ground yet again.

Panting heavily, Persian tried to move, though she found it difficult. Her entire body was aching, and she felt sharp stabs of pain as several bones moved in ways they were not meant to.

With a groan, she attempted to pick herself up and open her mouth. "Wat-… Water Pu-… ugh." She couldn't finish her attack, as she collapsed to the ground, exhausted.

_Is… is this how it ends? _she thought. _Getting killed by a filthy… __**human thing**__?_ Once again, she tried to stand, ignoring the burning in her muscles. _No! I… __**refuse**__! _

Suddenly, Persian's worthless daughter ran into view, holding the- No, wait… her worthless girly _son, _ran into view, holding the bottle of pills under one of his arms. "It's alright, Mom! I'll save ya!" he yelled, opening the bottle and taking out a yellow pill. "I'll prove that I'm better than any Rattotatato!" He threw the pill into his mouth and started chewing.

Persian huffed and turned back to face the creature, wanting no part in the Meowth's idiocy. "Water Pulse!" A ball of water appeared in front of her mouth before being shot towards her enemy.

Smirking, it simply side-stepped out of the way, and again as she launched another one.

Persian growled. "Power Gem!" A ball of light steadily formed within her mouth before eventually being launched outwards.

While firing the energy, she frantically waved her head around, spraying the energy out over a wide area. _Let's see you try to dodge this! _she thought, smirking.

Instead of dodging, it summoned a red bubble out of nowhere and hid inside it, protecting itself against her attack. However, it shrank as her attack struck it, giving the thing less cover.

Noticing this, Persian once again yelled, "Power Gem!"

Another bright ball of light formed inside her mouth, and was aimed towards the creature.

Before it could be fired, however, a large contraption fell from the sky towards her. Before she could escape, it landed with a loud crash, trapping her within.

She'd been caught inside a cage.

"What in the nine halls of Arceus!?" Persian exclaimed, scanning the cage for an escape route.

Before she could get any answers, three figures jumped out of the bushes and posed. Two of them, a female, red-haired human and a male, purple-haired human, wore white clothes with a red R on the front. The third figure was… the Meowth?

Persian scowled. _Why is my useless son hanging around these humans!? And why is he standing on his hind legs!? Oh, that is it. When we get back to the burrow, I'm going to force feed him so many Tamato berries that he'll never taste anything but pain again._

"[Prepare for trouble!]" the female human started, as some odd music started playing.

"[Make it double!]" the purple-haired male continued.

"[To protect to world from devastation...]"

"[To unite all peoples within our nation...]"

"[To denounce the evils of truth and love~!]"

The male produced a rose, as well as some glittery sparkles. "[To extend our reach to the stars above...]"

The female slid across the ground while striking a pose. "[Jessie!]"

The male did the same in the opposite direction. "[James!]"

"[Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light!]"

"[Surrender now, or prepare to fight!]"

The worthless Meowth jumped in front of them, landing on his two feet. "[Meeeeeeowth, dat's right!]"

_…Did he just speak English? __**English**__!?_ Persian thought, staring at the Meowth in disbelief. _Oh, great. Not only is my son worthless, but now he thinks he's a human, too. _She sighed._ I knew I should have never mated with that Bidoof… He'd been a tasty meal afterwards, granted, but still..._

"[Looks like da plan woiked!]" the Meowth said, doing a happy dance in front of the cage. Glancing towards the two humans, he smirked. "[Good job, you guys dat came outta nowhere!]"

Seeing his display, Persian growled. "What is the meaning of this, you pitiful waste of life!?"

"[This'll teach ya for makin' da baws like ya more dan me, Poisian!]" he said, his accent being just as ridiculous as he was. "[Now da only one he'll ever wanna rub his delicious honey on is _me_!]"

Persian blinked. "…So you're insane as well as hopeless. Fabulous…"

He frowned. "[Ah, belt up, ya twoip!]"

Persian prepared some less than kind words to shout at the Meowth in response. Before she could, however, a white fabric was swiped around her, causing her to somehow turn on the spot. Immediately afterwards, something was forced into her mouth by the human-like creature, who'd managed to sneak up behind her, despite the cage.

"[HOOHOO! NOW IT'S-A _YOUR_ TURN!]" it yelled, crossing its arms and smirking.

She coughed and tried to spit out whatever it'd slipped into her mouth. "What the Giratina did you… do to… me…? Ugh…" She collapsed to the ground, her mind rapidly going foggy.

Although it had started out tasting bitter, a certain sweetness was filling her mouth. It tasted like that warm, flat, pink disc that she'd once stolen from a human's picnic.

She tried to think of something rude to say to the creature, but she couldn't. Her mind was too busy shining like rainbows. "C-Curse… you, you… stupid… nya- I… nya- nyan nyan nyan NYAN NYAN NYAN…!"

* * *

><p><strong>…Elsewhere…<strong>

* * *

><p>As his Pokémon journey continues, the 29-year-old man from Pallet Town, Ash Ketchum, has recently- Oh, what is it, Borris? I'm narrating an episode of Pokémon, here!<p>

...Wait, really? But it's been over 18 years!

...You're sure? Well... okay then.

As his Pokémon journey continues, the 10-year-old boy from Pallet Town, Ash Ketchum, has recently come across a shocking discovery on his journey to achieving his dream of becoming a poking mom master.

It was afternoon in the great region of Sinnoh, which our heroes had decided to visit once more, for no reason other than the fanfiction author is lazy and cannot research newer things.

As they ventured near the dark, foreboding forest of Eterna, they couldn't help but notice strange sights that were unlike anything found in the otherwise normal, if not creepy, woods.

In front of them were a large array of bizarre Pokémon, including and not limited to: a water/psychic-type Houndoom, an adorable, gargantuan Pachirisu, a tiny Pachirisu that moved faster than the speed of light, a purple-spotted Ninetales who committed acts of auto-cannibalism, and a Porygon, which were thought to have been hunted to extinction.

Needless to say, our heroes were more than confused at these turn of events!

Ash was the first to speak. "Wow... what happened here? I don't remember this place being so... weird."

"Err... mating season?" Brock offered, being an expert on the subject.

"Gosh, Brock, you think they're turning Australian?"

"Umm... that's not what that means, Ash," Ash's best friend, [FEMALE COMPANION], corrected. "He thinks that the Pokeymon here are trying to make baby Pokeymons. Isn't that right, Brock?"

Brock hesitated for a bit before nodding. "Er, yep! Something like that. Anyway, yeah, the Pokémon here are just... doing their mating dances. I think..."

Ash smiled excitedly. "Wow, sounds like fun! C'mon, Pikachu, let's join in the mating dancing!"

After a while of silence, save for the sounds of his friends slapping their palms over their faces, Ash worriedly looked around, wondering where his buddy was. "...Pikachu? C'mon, pal, we're gonna miss the mating!"

[FEMALE COMPANION] put her hand on Ash's shoulder. "Umm, Ash, don't you remember? You let Pikachu go to Onett to see his other friends."

"**_PIKACHUUU_**- Oh... right. Eh heh, my bad. I'm just so used to Pikachu being here, y'know? So it's weird not having him around."

"It's alright, Ash," Brock added, "I'm pretty sure this is the first day you haven't been together since... well, I'm not even sure."

Ass h sighed, clearly missing his friend Pikachu. However, safe in the knowledge that his friend was safe and happy, he moved on. "Say, where did Cilan go?"

"I sent him to go and find a Nurse Joy after we found the Aipom with sixty four Tails," [FEMALE COMPANION] said. "Looks like Nurse Joy'll be here for a lot longer than we thought, though... these Pokeymons are looking pretty sick."

Ash simply went "Ah," and then began dancing a merry jig, hoping to fit in with his new Pokémon mates!

Brock did nothing but give a grand sigh. Afterwards, he started to cook the Porygon from earlier for dinner, knowing it would make a truly data-lectable dish.

To make sure her own Pokémon were safe and unharmed, [FEMALE COMPANION] instead took the time to pull out her balls and let out all of her Pokémon one by one. "Spoootlight! Take the staaaage!"

Before too long, Fennekin, Dedenne, Emolga, Piplup, Torchic and Psyduck were outside of their pokéballs and on the field. After giving them a quick glance over, she was happy with the knowledge that they were safe and un-mutated, unlike the ones in the forest!

However, before she could put them away again, Ash accidentally bumped into her, ruffling her hair and causing her balls to drop.

"Darn it, Ash! You're such a kid!" she yelled as she quickly fixed her [SIZE], [COLOR] hair back into its normal [HAIR STYLE] state, narrowly avoiding a hairtastrophe. "You're just lucky you didn't mess up my clothes... not that I'd mind shopping for more, but still!"

Ash bent over to grab her Pokémon's balls. "Oh, sorry, [FEMALE COMPANION]. I was doing the funky Mankey with my mates. Though they don't seem to be all that into it..."

"Aww, that's a shame. Oh well, no need to worry! Never give up until the end!"

"Err, thanks, [FEMALE COMPANION]...?" Ash responded, handing her balls back to her.

Before any more exchanging of balls could occur, the green-haired chef from Unova Town twirled onto the scene. "It's nurse tiiiiime~!"

[FEMALE COMPANION] smiled widely. "Oh, Cilan, you're back! Did you bring Nurse Joy along?"

"Absolutely! After I cooked up the story about the poor Aipom, she was happy to come along and stir up a solut- Hey, who's making food without my permission!?"

Brock looked up from his Poryguacamole to give Cilan a very confused look. "Um... I am?"

The chef clutched his own head in horror. "_Nooo! _My status as team cook has been ruined by **_destruction time_**!"

After saying that, the green-haired chef dropped to the ground, frothing at the mouth. Brock simply ignored him and went back to cooking. Before he could continue, however, a sharp gust of wind blew out the fire.

"Oh, darn!" the gym leader from Pewter Town grunted. Thankfully, the man had a backup plan. He simply reached into his bag, pulled out paperback copies of 'Read 'Em And Weep' and 'Girl Troubles' before throwing them onto the fire, reigniting its flames. Satisfied, Brock went back to cooking some origami duck for the team to chow down on.

Minutes later, the young, red-haired nurse from Pokémon Center Town, Nurse Joy, appeared from behind a tree. She was followed by her Pokémon, Chansey, who was currently carrying the unfortunate Aipom that was covered in sixty four tiny clones of Sonic the Hedgehog's best friend.

The nurse waved towards the group of poképals. "Hello, everyone!"

"Chansey Chaaansey!" Chansey proclaimed, waving just as eagerly.

As soon as he saw her, Brock jumped up from his cooking spot and leapt towards the nurse with hearts in his eyes. "Nuuuurse Joooy! _My love~_!" Once he was within reach, he grasped her hand and knelt down onto one knee, looking into her confused eyes. "Out of all the Nurse Joys I've ever seen, you're easily the most beautiful of them all... Your face could melt an ocean of chocolate and start fires, especially the fire in my heart and my pants~"

The Nurse Joy gave him a confused look. "...Huh?"

Before the romantic breeder could continue his cheesy tirade, his poisonous frog friend, Croagunk, came out of nowhere and punched him in his breeding area with Poison Jab, launching him several feet into the air.

"GDjfblkjdsnd~. LJBsKsJfuCkBk, jfdb," Brock replied.

"Croaaa..." Croagunk said before silently going out of sight again, with not a trace of it to be found.

[FEMALE COMPANION] sighed as Brock landed in a heap on the ground next to her. "Well, it's more effective than pulling his ear, I guess..."

Nurse Joy covered her mouth in shock. "Oh my... it's a shame I don't know how to treat humans, or I would fix his broken... everything."

"Chanseyyy~" Chansey said, smiling.

[FEMALE COMPANION] looked towards Nurse Joy with a starry look in her eyes. "Wow, you're cute! You should marry my [FEMALE COMPANION'S SIBLING]!"

Suddenly, her [FEMALE COMPANION'S SIBLING] came out of nowhere to grab her ear and pull her away from the confused nurse, all while spouting facts about science, fashion and nerdy bullshit.

Before any more shenanigans could happen, Ash suddenly tripped over something while mating. As he picked himself up, he noticed an object on the ground. He decided to pick that up after he picked himself up.

Suddenly, Tracy Sketchit, the Pokémon watcher from Professor Oak's Laboratory Town, appeared from behind a shrub. He studied the colorful object while drawing a picture of Professor Oak in a bikini. "Say, Ash, that kind of looks like a bottle of pills!"

Ash scratched his head. "Huh... they grow pills here?"

"I don't think so, Ash. Though it is pretty bizarre..." admitted [FEMALE COMPANION], taking a red pill out of the container. After looking at it for a while, she accidentally dropped it on the ground. "Whoops!"

Before anyone could pick up the shiny suppository, Emolga swooped in and nabbed it!

"Oh no! Emolga, give that back! We don't know what it does yet!" yelled [COMPANION FEMALE], full of panic.

The stealing squirrel ignored them and landed on a tree branch before sticking its tongue out at the group. "Emo!"

Tracy Sketshit began to cry. "I'm not emo! I'm just sad that Professor Oak won't let me caress his sweet, sweet, pruny body at night! _Wahhh_!"

Everyone simultaneously sweatdropped, including me, the narrator.

[FC] pointed towards the tree-bound squirrel. "Piplup, use Peck!"

"Piplup!" Piplup yelled as it scaled the tree's branches, ready to Peck the squirrel's bottom.

Emolga simply chuckled and gave the penguin a kinky wink. "Emollll~"

As it did that, hearts flew out of its closed eye, engulfing the penguin and making it feel all gooey inside.

"Oh no, Emolga used Attract!" Ash yelled.

"Piiiplup~" Piplup moaned before falling off the branch and onto the ground.

[FC] pointed at the shenanigan-causing squirrel again. "Psyduck, use Psychic!"

The dopey duck's eyes glowed blue before it unleashed a large wave of psychic energy, which tore up the ground as it travelled along.

As it reached its target, the wave of psychic energy completely obliterated the tree, though not before Emolga evacuated to a different one. You could say that the squirrel was truly treemendous!

After landing on a new branch, Emolga turned towards Psyduck and launched a series of green energy balls, which struck the duck.

"Psyyyyy! Duck," Psyduck said before falling over.

"Oh no, Emolga used Hidden Power!" Ash yelled.

[FC] pointed at the sexy squirrel again. "Torchic, use Sky Uppercut!"

"Torchic!" Torchic yelled before evolving into Blaziken and then jumping towards Emolga, fist first.

The squirrel simply laughed evilly before letting loose a big field of electricity, which produced shocking results for the fire/fighting fighter of fire.

"Oh no, Emolga used Discharge!" Ash yelled.

"Yeah, Ash, we kind of get it," Brock said irritably. "Man, next you'll say something obvious, like... fire beats water, or something."

"Oh no, Brock used Criticise!" Ash yelled.

Brock groaned in response. He was clearly in a very rocky mood!

[FC] pointed at the squirrel-type. "Fennekin, use PK Fire α!"

The fox jumped into its Arwing and then flew towards the tree that Emolga was occupying. After firing off a few lazers, all of which barely flew past the squirrel, Fennekin jumped out of the ship's cockpit and gathered up some fiery energy from within its mouth.

"FI-YORRRR!" it yelled as it let loose a small ball of fire that barely fazed the squirrel. Afterwards, Emolga simply smacked Fennekin in the face, causing it to cry and run away.

"Oh no, Emolga's a dick!" Ash yelled.

[FC] pointed towards the squirrel one last time. "Dedenne, use... Well, actually, you only exist to look cute, so just keep doing that, I guess."

"Dedenneeee~" the gerbil cried, pushing in its chubby little cheeks.

Everybody went "D'awww~!" Dedenne's attack was successful!

However, Emolga was not affected by such heart-stoppingly cute antics. Instead, it shrugged and mockingly brought the pill closer to its lips. "Emolllll~!"

"No, stop! It's not healthy to take medicine!" Nurse Joy yelled, hoping to stop the rambunctious rodent.

It was too late. Emolga had already swallowed the pill.

"Oh no, Emolga ate the pill!" Ash yelled, making Brock apply his palm to his own face.

At first, nothing happened. However, it didn't take long before the squirrel started to turn morbidly obese. It was almost like one of my fat fetish pictures on Deviant Art!

...Wait, I wasn't supposed to say that while recording. Shiiit. Well, we can edit that out of the episode, right? Yeah? Okay then, good.

However, it didn't take long before the squirrel started to turn morbidly obese. It was almost like somebody had taken it to a burger joint!

"E-Emolllg-_urp_!" it said, covering its mouth.

"W-What's happening to Emolga?" [FEMALE COMPANION] asked, full of worry.

"I dunno, but I wanna draw it!" Tracy Beaker said, taking out his notepad and pencil before drawing something not safe for work.

Emolga didn't stop at getting fat, however. After growing about five times its size, it started spewing hundreds of apples from its mouth, as well as other areas. It was almost as if it'd been apple-jacked!

"Oh dear... I knew something like this would happen," Nurse Joy said, sighing. "Strange pills are dangerous things to play with."

After spewing about ten thousand apples from all of its orifices, Emolga went applenova and exploded violently, ending its fruity life.

Everybody stared at the branch where Emolga had once stood, saying nothing in stunned silence.

"...Chansey~" Nurse Joy's Pokémon said, smiling.

"What the heck!?" Brock yelled.

Ash scratched his head. "What move was that?"

"That... That wasn't a move, Ash. My Emolga just died. Just like all of my bikes..." [FEMOLE COMPANION] said, sadly.

Ash stroked his chin in thought before snapping his fingers. "Ah yes, of course! Emolga used Self-Destruct, then."

The sounds of people and Pokémon slapping their hands against their faces could be heard all throughout Sinnoh.

Ash ignored them all. "Well... so, now what?"

Brock moved his mouth to reply. However, just as he was about to say something, a strange voice could be heard from behind the tree that Emolga had gotten completely destroyed on.

"_YIPPIE! HERE WE GOOOO!_"

"Er... hello?" Ash cried out, cautiously approaching the tree.

As he came closer, a hand suddenly reached out of the bush surrounding the tree and shoved something into his mouth!

The ten-year-old from Pallet Town coughed and tried to spit it out. However, doing so didn't seem to work. In fact, he could feel something coming over him already!

He looked fine, but on the inside, he could hear thousands of voices at once. The voices each said things like, "Up", "Left", "A" "Start", "Democracy", and more.

As soon as the trainer heard them, he started to comply with them, moving right when he heard the word "Right", and stumbling forwards whenever he heard "Up", and so on. It was complete anarchy, especially since most of the words in his head were also saying the word 'Anarchy' on a near constant basis.

"Oh no..." Ash said before pulling a swirly, fossilised pokémon out of his bag. "..._NO_! Now I'm just like Dad! _Ahhhh_!"

A voice echoed from beyond the trees. It said, "There's a time and a place for everything, but not now."

Hearing that, Ash was forced to put his fossil back into his bag. However, it didn't take long for him to turn to his right and then pull out his ticket to the S.S. Anne instead, eliciting the same voice from above to echo once again. Yes, he was truly _twitch_ing around like mad, it seemed.

As everyone focused on Ash, an overweight doctor with brown hair jumped out of the bushes. "WAHOOO!"

Spotting the mad doctor, [FEMALE COM] pointed at him angrily. "_You_! I'll bet that _you're_ behind this!" she said as she pulled a hammer out of her... hammerspace and advanced on the lab coat-wearing maniac.

The strange character didn't seem to care, however. Instead, he grabbed Blazichic, who was still lying on the ground beside the tree.

"Ah, let go of her! I mean him! I think," [FEMALE COMPANION] yelled.

The doctor laughed before shoving a pill into the bird's beak. A few seconds later, the unfortunate starter Pokémon turned into a tasty-smelling chicken.

"Torchiken?" the bird said, confused at what had just happened.

[FEMALE COMPANION]'s stomach suddenly growled as the smell wafted over to her, causing her to drop her hammer. "Oh no... my favorite food..."

She tried to fight her sudden animalistic urges, but the temptation was too great. No more than three seconds later, she leapt forwards and grabbed her Tlrzhkcn while yelling, "Forgive me, Torchic!"

"B-Blazitorch!?" the unfortunate chicken yelled before [FEMALE COMAPNION] started to chow down on its head. "TORRRRCLUUUCK!"

Seconds later, the Pokémon was no more. [FC] ate it whole without a shred of remorse.

"Ahh... spicy~!" she said, licking her fingers.

[FEMALE COMPANION] suddenly felt very strange, although it soon dawned on her as to why. Her skin went from being its natural [SKIN COLOR] color to an odd shade of green and light blue. Her skin also felt very cold to the touch, as well as creepy and crawly. The doctor must have slipped a pill into her torchic while she hadn't been watching!

The young girl from [TOWN] Town freaked out as she realised what she had become. "_Eeeeek_! I'm an ice-type bug! _Aghhhh_!" She collapsed into a fetal position. She was very bugged out by the sudden turn of cool events!

All of a sudden, Cilan finally woke up from his cook-induced coma. As he stretched, however, he noticed [FEMALE COMPANION] and raised an eyebrow. "Huh, who are you?"

[FEMALE COMPANION] stopped cowering and then glared at the hapless chef. "What do you _mean_ you don't know who I am!? GRRRR!" Fires covered her entire body, due to anime special effects that indicated anger.

As the flames of anger went higher, however, [FEMALE COMPANION] started to feel excruciating pain all over. "...Oh yeah, shit, the bug/ice thing. Well, darn."

Her anger was super effective, killing her instantly!

"Oh no, not [FEMALE COMPANION]!" Ash yelled, full of shock. "I had a crush on her! I think. Maybe. I 'unno." After saying that, Ash turned around and insistently tried to use a potion on Cilan's hair, even though it was already at full health.

"H-hey! It's not hair restoration time yet!" Cilan complained, swatting at the bottle of potion in irritation.

Nearby to the havoc, the Aipom from Eterna Forest Town gasped in horror as it witnessed the evil doctor coming closer. Not wanting any more pill-based mayhem, it turned to the many clones of Miles 'Tails' Prower that were attached to it, and yelled, "I WANNA FLYYYY HIGHHHHH~!"

Without a second to spare, the many clones whirled their tails around in a helicopter-like fashion, lifting the small monkey high into the air and away from the doomed trainers below. As this all happened, a weird electronic sitar also played in the background.

Seeing this, Ash's Buizel, who'd been accidentally let out of his pokéball as Ash had tried to take a step forwards, angrily shook its paw at the flying monkey. "[Goddamn it! You took my one, nonsensical flying gimmick! Now I'm _useless_!]" it shouted in its own language, forgetting that Sonic 2 had come out long before Diamond and Pearl had.

The crazy doctor saw the weasel/otter/ferret/fox and smiled before running towards it, shoving a pill into its mouth as he got within range.

Buizel coughed and spluttered before being rapidly transformed into a ninetales. After the transformation was complete, Buizel inspected itself and smiled. "[Oh, sweet! Now I'm way better than that yellow fox freak! Up, up and awayyyy!]" it yelled before spinning all of its tails together like a giant helicopter.

Unfortunately for it, however, the resulting elevation was way higher than it expected, launching it high into the air at mach 9 speeds! Before it could even cry out in surprise, it was already half-way to the moon. One could say that it was quite the lunatic!

The doctor gave a jolly laugh before advancing upon the rest of the team, who had yet to be mutated. However, he didn't manage to go very far before Piplup jumped in front of him and glared in his direction.

"[You complete jerk! Stop transforming my friends into freaks! Because of you, I've lost the love of my _liiiiife_!]" it cried while holding a picture of [FEMALE COMPANION], which stood in a heart-shaped frame.

"WAHOO! THAT WAS GREAT!" the doctor replied, pumping a fist into the air triumphantly.

The penguin ground its teeth together before opening its toothless beak. "[Bubble Beaaaam!]" Thousands of bubbly bullets shot out of the penguin's mouth, and flew towards the evil pharmacist.

The doctor reacted by pulling up a large, red bubble of his own, which covered his entire body. As each of Piplup's bubble bullets hit the doctor's big bubble, they bounced off, scattering into different directions and leaving the pharmacist unharmed.

Once Piplup's attack died down, the doctor dropped his shield and lunged forwards at an insane speed, before shoving a pill straight down Piplup's gullet.

Almost straight afterwards, the penguin started to undergo a horrifying transformation. Its tail became longer, its feathers were replaced by fur, its beak was absorbed and replaced with a normal, fanged mouth, and a hard seashell materialised onto the penguin's stomach.

Once he was done changing into his new, snowman-like form, the penguin let out a loud screech. "[_Noooooo_! _Now I've become my worst enemyyyy_!]"

"THAT'S-A SO NIIICE!" the evil doctor responded, nodding in satisfaction. Afterwards, he made his way to the rest of our heroes, leaving the pengotter to have a drama episode in peace.

After loudly sobbing a few times, Pipwott suddenly felt a huge wave of testosterone flood the lower half of its body. "[Oh no… now I feel the inexplicable need to make love to all the green snakes in the area...]" it muttered to itself, worriedly. Afterwards, it searched the place for a small while, before setting its eyes on something that made its mouth curl upwards into a naughty smile.

A brown cardboard box sat right there in front of the otterwott, luring the pipguin in with its alluring charms. The young water-type from Daycare Center Town tried to resist the temptations that laid within the box, but Pipwop could only hold its desire back for a few seconds, before fully giving in to its feelings of intense lust for green-colored snakes.

Excited, Oshalup drew closer to the box before grabbing it and hoisting it into the air, revealing a large, grizzled-looking man underneath, who was wearing Leaf Camouflage gear.

"[Heyy, baby~]" Oshapenguin said, smirking cheekily as it eyed up the unfortunate man. "[Come here often~?]"

The green-clothed man removed the cigarette that he'd been smoking from his mouth, and stared at the PipOsha in fear, all as an exclamation mark noisily appeared above his head. "Ugh… yeah, no thanks," he muttered, quickly grabbing the cardboard box and pulling it downwards again.

PipwottOshaPip tutted amusedly. "[Tsk tsk… there's no way you're getting away, ya hot mama!]" it said, lifting the box up again. "[Now, how about you say we go back to my place in my pokéball and… Wha-!?]"

As the penglup flipped open the box, the man from before was now wearing his red, Squares Camouflage.

The man smirked as he witnessed Oshawop's look of despair. "Heh, nice try, Ocelo- um, Oshawott."

PipPipWott's heart sank. Operation Snake Eater had failed.

…My non-4kids producer has just informed me that I'm not allowed to use horrible puns anymore. This show has just gotten a whole lot sadder for me…

…Anyway. Oshawottlup shook its head as the mercenary withdrew back into his cardboard box, before sneaking away back into the forest's foliage. "[Drat… Oh well, I have another idea!]" the otterguin exclaimed, quickly tapping a number into its scalphone. "[That ain't the _only_ green snake I know of!]"

After a few rings, a voice on the other end answered the call. "Herro?"

"[Yo, Doctor Light!]" OshaPip greeted.

"Oh, herro there, W- Oshawhatt!" Dr. Light from 20XX Town greeted happily. "Just what can I do fhor you todey, Wott?"

"[Well, how's Snake Man doing these days? I kinda need to…]" Pipwott coughed inconspicuously. "[…speak to him.]"

"Oh, ah see! Dat's a good qweshton!" Dr. Light replied before pausing to think. "Hmm… ah don't know wherer Swayke Mahn is… ahnd it's danegerwous to leave him alonge… BUT! We cannut led him fall intoe Doctor Wahwee's hands."

PipOsha scratched his head in confusion. "[…Er, so that's a no, then?]"

"Hold on. Ah might bea- able to weave a message for Swayke Mahn, so he can get back to you layder," the master of building Robot Masters responded.

Suddenly, Oshapenguin could hear another voice on Dr. Light's end. It sounded like a girly child's voice. "Hey, Professor! I need help understanding how my new weapon, Search Snake, works. Could you give me a few pointers, please?"

There was a long silence after that, which made LupWott nervous. "[Err… Doctor Light? Everything alright over there?]" it asked.

"…Err, never mind, Oshrawott. Swayke Mahn's unavrailabol forevah. See you aroun'!" Dr. Light replied hastily as he put the receiver down, ending the call.

"[…Shit. Oh well, never mind. Even _that's_ not the only green snake I know of!]" Oshawopp quickly tapped another number into its phone.

After a few rings, a deep, monkey-like voice answered the call. "[Yo?]"

Oshalutt sweat-dropped. "[Oh, er, eheh, hey there, DK! Is, er, Rattly home, d'you know?]" There was a short pause. After a while, Pipshawott nervously rubbed his arm. "[Er… hello?]"

"[…Is this the otter?]" Donkey Kong from Country Town asked.

Piplut gulped. "[Umm… kind of?]"

There was another pause. Before the water-type could ask what was wrong, however, the monkey on the other end spoke again. "[Ohh no, you don't! Not after last time, you weird snow-beaver!]"

"[W-what do ya mean?]"

"[Don't play dumb, dude! You know what you did to Rattly! The poor snake was so traumatised that he couldn't even make it back to Donkey Kong Country 3!]"

"[W-well… technically that wasn't me, but-]"

"[Don't gimmie that 'technically' stuff! That's only ever worked on Donkey once!]" There was another pause. "[…Okay, three times, but still! BANANAAAAAA SLAMMA!]" And with that, the receiver on the other end was slammed down, leaving the pengtter alone.

"[Oh no… that was literally the only other green snake I know of,]" Oshalup said dejectedly. Afterwards, it started panicking. "[_Noooooo_! Now I'll never find true love! _WHAT AM I FIGHTING FORRRRRRRRRR_!?]"

As it screamed to the heavens, the penguinotter removed its scalchop and used it to commit shellpuku.

One could say that it was excellent at using its shell for pwnage!

…Whoops, non-4Kids docked my pay for that pun. Gosh darn _dang_ it!

Well, either way, while Piplutt was busy fainting to death, there was utter pandemonium going on with our other heroes, as they wisely tried to evade the mad doctor by hiding in the shrubbery.

However, two of our heroes decided to bravely, or stupidly, stand their ground against the killer pharmacist from **Hell** Town.

"That's quite enough, you naughty doctor!" Nurse Joy exclaimed, pointing a finger towards the doctor in question.

"Chansey~!" Chansey said, standing next to its trainer while smiling.

"We're not going to let you harm any more of these pokamons!"

"YAHOO! LET'S-A GO!" the doctor yelled as he leapt upwards and, with perfect accuracy, threw pills into both of their mouths.

Both of the nurses retched as the pills forcefully made their way down their throats. However, aside from tasting absolutely bitter…

…Nothing else happened to the pair.

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><p><strong>CHAPTER CLEAR<strong>

**TRY NEXT**

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><p><strong>Speed: <strong>07/09 (September)/2015

**Virus Level:** 6,671

**The general surgeon warns: **Reading 'In Times Of Danger' by ravengal will increase your manhood size, even if you're female, so go do it.

(Also… Disclaimer: Anything that's a fact in this fanfic isn't necessarily canon in that one. Unless ravengal decides otherwise, in which case, cool beans!)

* * *

><p><strong>Next up: <strong>Pills


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